Am I a Cliché?

I’ve been feeling weird the last few months.  && the one thing that has plagued my mind the most is whether or not I’m just an average cliché or not.  I know it’s silly to think of yourself like but it’s there.  Floating around in my brain.

Since I was about eighteen I have been trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.  What is it that I WANT to be – to do.  I can always remember being younger and wanting to be in the medical field, help people – but once I lost my mother my mood shifted and I didn’t want to deal with the pain of telling their loved ones that I lost their person.  So I’ve been trying to figure it out ever since.

But now I feel as if I may just be another cliché.

I can always remember having the love for writing – which isn’t a big secret if you know me.  I remember writing my very first poem in school then spending years writing poems (I no longer have any of them, which is probably a good thing) before I slowly moved into writing short stories and then began my first novel.

But why is that making me feel like I do?

I’ve noticed lately that EVERYONE is a writer.  If they don’t have a career path, any idea what they want out of life, or are stay-at-home mom’s – they are automatically a writer.  They keep blogs, posting daily, write stories that they share with people, and self-publish novels that they write in about a week.

If they are not “writers” they are ‘chefs’ or ‘photographers’.  *SIDE NOTE: I’m not bashing writers, chefs or photographers &&& you’ll see why as you read on.*

My second love is cooking and secretly, deep down inside, I would love to open a restaurant.  Third love – photography.  I even bought an EOS Rebel 35 MM camera when I was eighteen thinking that I will become a photographer.  I even looked into photography schools to learn how to be better and develop film myself.

But just like when it comes to ‘writers’, a lot of people say they are photographer or chefs because they don’t know what to do with their lives.  When I was looking into the photography idea I noticed just how many people do that themselves and I thought ‘if everyone is a photographer then what am I doing?  I cannot compete with the whole state of Oklahoma.”  (I’ll always have a soft spot for photography and any chance I get I take pictures for people.)  But unfortunately, most of the people in my life call the other “photographers” around to do their photos.  Or… they use their phone and take their own.  That’s fine, whatever.

But am I just like the rest of people trying to do something with my life that EVERYONE seems to be doing?  I will always have a love for writing, but am I being ridiculous in thinking that I will be published?

I just turned 30.  I am 30 years old.  I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything in my life.  Sitting here thinking about my writing and I realize that I have never finished a full story.  Even Frost, the novel I’ve been working on since November of 2012 – I’m still not finished with it.  I actually decided to “rewrite” it.  Now I’m sitting here with a half finished novel and I honestly think it’s complete crap.  I wonder sometimes if that’s why I haven’t finished it.  I even try to tell myself that Stephen King threw away Carrie – he hated that story.  Threw it in the trash.

When it comes to cooking I’m perfectly find just cooking with the family or for them and friends.  I can live my life doing that.  It’s fine.  One day I might open a restaurant, but I won’t be bummed if I never open one.

Photography is a very slow dying out occupation because of cell phone cameras and small pocket sized digital cameras.  Why pay someone to do something your sister can do?

Writing.  I have had a love for that since I was ten or eleven.  (No, I didn’t start writing when I was four – that’s dumb.)  In 2012 I told myself I’d be finished and published by 30 – but here I am.  With neither crossed off my list.

I guess what I’m trying to figure out is what do I want to be doing for the rest of my life?  I know for a fact that it’s not my job right now.  I do NOT want to make it a career because I barely like it.  (No offense to the job itself.)  Honestly, I know the answer, but does it make me a cliché knowing that I don’t like my job, don’t really have any future plans but I want to be a published author?

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Dear Diary – Every Day’s A Struggle,

I feel like I’m going backwards.  The week of pay day is always a little harder than every other day.  Know what I mean?

I get paid Friday (every two weeks) so I can restock my goodies.  But Christmas is coming up and I am going to eventually start feeling bad about buying stuff for myself.  This is my yearly dilemma.  Sometimes I wonder if this is half the reason I cannot keep up with weight loss.  Do it for so long, thinking about no one but myself, and then I realize that I’m thinking about no one but myself.

I start feeling bad.

I have been eating left overs for the last couple of days.  I know it’s silly to really think about it, but I typically leave all of my calories for the evening.  Which is said to not do so, but I do.

Everyone does something they shouldn’t do.  That’s mine.  (Breakfast has never been my friend.  But that’s for another day.)  But I feel as if I have been eating way too many calories.  I still walk, every day, for at least thirty minutes (which is approximately a mile for me, I’m slow), so I’m still doing my thing.  But how well is it if you eat 5,000 calories a day and only burn 200?  (I don’t eat 5,000 calories a day, maybe 2,000 to the most) – but either way it’s still not good.

I’m rambling.

What I’m saying – is that I have had a rough few days.  Maybe it isn’t rough.  Maybe it’s not as many calories as I think.  Maybe – just maybe – I haven’t put back on my 13 pounds.

That would be nice.

 

Dear Diary : #1

I don’t know what happened to me.  I used to be the epitome of writing.  Wrote constantly.  Anything && everything I could.  But now – not so much.  I know I complain about writing a lot, but I promise this isn’t going to be thirty-three paragraphs about how I just can’t seem to write anymore.

Nope.  Not in the least.

Today’s Complaint = I am in a reading rut!

(This also won’t be a thirty-two paragraph rant, either.)

I have tried a few different styles && a part of me thinks that is what may actually have put me in the rut.  Sadly, I LOVE romance novels.  Always have.  The idea that someone could have the perfect relationship – the kind they want, anyway – makes me happy.  Even if it’s between two fake people with fake families and fake friends.  The thoughts came from a real person.  So it counts somewhere.

Me?  I love reading romance, any kinds.  I love writing romance – all kinds.  (No “smut”, though, I can’t seem to get through that without laughing at myself.)  So no worries about getting the next 50 Shades of Grey.

Romance is my thing – has been since I could remember.  I love every aspect of a good romance novel.  But I like taking a romance novel and putting a horrible twist to it, so when the love reunites it’s even stronger than it ever was.

So I started my novel.  I figured I could do whatever I wanted and put the characters through what I choose fitting.  So November of 2012 I began my novel (“Frost”).  Oh, boy, was I excited.  The excitement is still there it’s just a tad burned out.  Not because I don’t want to finish it, I do!  Oh trust me, I want to finish it.  But I guess my goals just didn’t add up and now I’m a little on the sad part.

What goals?

I decided, when I began writing again (around nineteen), that I wanted to be published by 30.  That seems like a good amount of years to write a novel, send out manuscripts, and get someone to fall in love with my story.

The problem?

I’m a little under two months away from joining the 30’s Club &&& I still haven’t finished the novel.  Yeah, no reason to reread that line – you read it correctly.  I have been working on the novel for five years and I am still not finished.

Well, I have technically finished.  I have been working on the corrections since 2015 when I finished the rough draft.   But nope… still haven’t finished.  So I made myself a new goal, that I am trying my hardest to keep – but I have moments where I can’t seem to keep my attention long enough to correct it.

I want to finish it completely by my 30th birthday.  However, I honestly don’t see it happening, not because I don’t want to, but because it’s less than two months away and I’m still correcting chapter 11 out of… 24?

Am I up to twenty-three paragraphs yet?

I have faith, though, lots &&& lots of faith that I will finish the novel.  When?  I’m not 100% sure, but I know I will.  Getting it published may be a different story.  (Most companies, now, don’t take unsolicited manuscripts anymore.)

Anyhoo…

I’ll stop complaining now and go back to watching “Vampire Dairies” &&& playing Fallout Shelter on the PC.  Yes, I do realize I should be editing (which is why most people know me as a procrastinator) but I’m not.

Go figure.

Weight Loss Shows…

I have found myself binge-watching weight loss shows && it’s about to drive me crazy.  You’d think I’d stop.  Yeah.  Right.  It drives me crazy because I watch how fast these people lose weight and I’m just not.  Not that I have weighed myself since I started this – but I’m pretty sure I haven’t lose anything.  I just keep waking up fat and it drives me nuts.

Everything is driving me nuts this week.

I bought a bicycle.  I remember when I was younger that I enjoyed riding a bike – I’m just hope riding a bicycle is like riding a bicycle && I don’t kill myself.  I’ll let you know how that goes.

The last few days haven’t been fantastic for me.  I’m trying not to eat my weight in food.  (That’s a lot of food.)  I have thought about it though.  Giving it a try. But I haven’t.  Figured it wouldn’t get me anywhere.

I don’t really have much to say.  So this will be pretty short.  I’ll just say this much – I’m sick of waking up fat.

 

I’m a little upset…

I’m extremely upset with myself but not for any of the reasons you’re probably thinking. When I went to the doctor in December of 2016 the doctor told me ‘throughout the whole year I had lost 10 pounds’.  He was excited however I knew I could do better.  Small changes & I could take off way more than that.  So I decided that I would change the way I ate, not take anything out but just eat less.  When I get full I’ll stop.  I went to the doctor in March of 2017 && I had lost 18 pounds.  18 pounds in four months without changing what I ate only how much, how often, &&& I was NOT exercising.

I was on cloud 9!  Because I just proved my preaching correct.  Yes, it’ll take me a while to get the other 147 pounds off but I know I can do it.

Sitting in the doctor’s office I decide that I’m going to add exercise to my life.  You know, just a small walk – once a day between 20 & 30 minutes.  If I go longer yay!  If I don’t Yay!  When a person doesn’t get any exercise whatsoever, a small amount does wonders.

So last Wednesday I decide to put it to work.  I go for my walk and feel wonderful but I’m hungry.  All day.  Every day.  Because I know logically I’m not eating enough food.  Because when you start calorie counting it scares the living crap out of you!  You look at things you eat daily and finally realize that you are in taking so many calories.

I scared myself into calorie counting when I began this by just wanting to add exercise.  I wanted to prove to the world that you don’t have to chew on lettuce, or snack on celery.  That you could go and enjoy a meal out when you don’t feel like cooking.  Or stop by the convenience store and get some crispetoes.   But I didn’t do that.  I stopped eating anything deep fried (I don’t that often anyway), stopped asking for pizza.  I WAS STILL EATING PIZZA WHEN I LOST THE 18 POUNDS WITH NO EXERCISE.

I don’t believe you can lose weight if you’re miserable.
I don’t believe you can lose weight if you’re hungry all the time.
I don’t believe you can lose weight if you’re not satisfied with what you’re doing.

I got to the point last night that I was scared to eat.  &&& I was hungry.  I’m not talking bored hungry, or whatever.  I was stomach growling uncomfortable please give me something in an IV hungry.  But I was scared because I would go over calories.  Who cares if I eat over 1,910 calories a day.  Last weekend at work I was miserable.  MISERABLE.  I’m sitting there hungry just thinking about  the next moment I get to eat.  I wasn’t thinking about work.  I was thinking about food.  Because I was hungry.

I do believe that I need more water.
I do believe that I need less deep fried foods.
I do believe that I need more greens, veggies, & fruits.

But I also believe that I will not do this if I’m hungry all the time and only thinking about food.  So I need to stop && readjust what I’m doing.  Because I’m doing something wrong.

When I go back to the doctor in July if I don’t lose the 47 pounds – that’s okay.  But I do want to see if it’s possible to lose weight without eating ONLY veggies and fruits.  I’m a huge meat eater – I don’t think a dinner is complete without some form of meat.  People will & have argued with me over that, but if I look at a plate of nothing but veggies and fruits, I’m unhappy.  Now, add a piece of nicely cooked chicken or pork chops, I’m happy.  When you’re fighting food you can’t be unhappy with it because then you’re just going to try & find something to make you happy.  When you have issues && turn to food – guess what you’re going to do trying to find a happy place.  You’re going to eat.  &&& eat.  &&& eat.

What I need to readjust in my head is my motivation.  I want off my medication.  I don’t want it to get worse I want it to get better and until I pull off some weight it won’t work.  But I’m NOT going to be unhappy while I do this.  Because I’d rather stay overweight && be happy, then lose all of the weight and be scared of food. Be scared of eating an apple because they have hidden sugars and it might make me fat again.  What kind of life is that?

What if I want to make spaghetti one night and have a big bowl of it and just enjoy it?  I can’t if I’m scared of food.  I don’t want to be scared to buy food at work the days I wake up so tired && it takes everything to go for my walk let alone make myself breakfast, lunch, diner & snacks.  When I could just go to work and get something.  Yes, it’s not healthy, but I feel like eating nothing but fruits and veggies will be unhealthy too.  Especially for someone like me.  Who – when hungry – eats, and eats, and eats until I get to the point of making myself sick.  But I am full after I eat in the first place I don’t think about food as much.  I mean I’m always thinking about food – that’s just me.  Like I have already figured out what I’m making tomorrow night for dinner and I haven’t been to sleep.

No, I’m not trying to talk myself out of weight loss.  I’d never do that.  What I’m trying to do is secure the weight loss.  I’m trying to make sure I don’t fail…. again.  I’m tired of being overweight.  I’ve been tired for year.  I know calorie counting with my app on my phone works.  But I’m unhappy.  I will never finish my weight loss if I feel like this.  I’ll never get to a healthy weight if I feel like I do right now.

What made me realize all of this?  I freaking LOVE Frito chili pie.  LOVE.  IT.  I’m not a chili eater unless you give me Frito’s, cheese, onions & salsa.  &&& I’m in love.  Tonight the Boyfriend wanted that for dinner and I’m not going to tell him no.  I made a Frito chili pie tonight for myself using the serving size.  I don’t know if anyone has ever tried to eat a serving size of Frito’s & chili but it seriously made me so sad.  I just sat there & thought about what I was trying to accomplish and what I was doing to myself not eating a normal portion for someone my size.

So I’m going to turn right && choose to eat what I want to eat.  Yes, I will still eat the good-for-me foods like I have been.  But I think I’m going to stop counting calories.  I’ll keep my app, I’ve had it for years.  I want to see if adding exercise, & drinking more water will double my weight loss in July.

So yeah, I probably just made this even harder for myself to get the weight off && it’ll probably take me years.  But that’s okay.  It is.  It’s fine.  But I’d rather be doing this for years then be unhappy right now.  But we never know… maybe a miracle will happen && I can get the next 150 pounds off in the next year & a half.

All I have to remember is one thing… exercise. exercise. exercise. exercise.
Plus, as I exercise and my body gets more used to it I’ll be able to increase it and do more.

One day at a time.

Quick Update.

I have been slacking a little.  It’s normal for me, though, to not write daily.  I try but then I fail.  I usually welcome the fail before I fail.  That way I’m not disappointed.

It’s basically been a week since I began this and it’s not been too horrible.  I have obstacles, just like anyone else, that I have to jump.  Some of them make it hard – like the fact that I’m still fat.  Yeah.  I had one of those moments – where you go exercise and feel fantastic then get a glimpse of yourself && realize you’re still fat.  It’s heart breaking!  But it’s okay.  One day at a time.

Monday & Tuesday weren’t good days.  They weren’t horrible days – but they weren’t good.  That’s okay though.  I woke up late on Monday (I work that night) so I didn’t have time to get in some exercise or making my own dinner.  So I ended up eating a chicken fried steak sandwich from Toby’s Keith’s & chips & dip.  It was delicious but was it worth the calories?  Probably not…

Tuesday is my first day off, however, getting home at 6 in the morning I tend to sleep until afternoon to early evening.  So I woke up with enough time to make dinner – ended up making chicken parm with spaghetti and meatballs.  Yeah!  That’s right.  When I ruin my diet I ruin it well.  But if it makes everyone feel better – it made my stomach hurt and I was in the bathroom most of the night getting it out.

My stomach was pissed off!

Tonight we’re having hamburgers & hot dogs but have no fear I’m doing it the smart way.  I’m not going to over due it.  I exercised today – had Boyfriend && his daughter join me.  0.73 miles.  21 minutes.  Doesn’t take me long to do it but like I said, I shoot for at least 20 minutes because that’s a lot compared to nothing.

I’ll end this one really quick – dinner is done.  After I eat and Boyfriend goes to work I’ll come back and ramble some more.

Enjoy your day!

End of Day One.

Normally I will update the day I’m on however last night while cooking dinner I aggravated myself somehow and just wanted the day to end.  So I went to bed.

My goal of calories for the day is 1,910.

I started the day off on a high note.  I was so proud of myself.  Woke up way too early (I hate waking up that early for any reason whatsoever) and made myself breakfast.  Decided to use the night before left overs which was a small pork chop.  Diced it up and added spinach, white onion, and mushrooms.  Sautéed all of that together and then added three eggs, yes, seriously, I added three eggs.  Horrible habit I must break.  Then I made some shredded hash browns and sprinkled some hot sauce over it.  All of that together was 433 calories.

I live in an apartment complex and there is a side walk that circles the buildings.  I figured it had to be really close to a mile  which usually takes me about thirty minutes to walk.  So after breakfast, too close to breakfast && it made me a little sick, so I took a walk around the complex.  It took me 20 minutes to walk 0.73 miles.  Which sucks, but it’s okay.  20 minutes is better than nothing.

I couldn’t find the fill line of my stomach yesterday so all day I stayed hungry but I knew I’d need a little extra calories for dinner so I decided just to toughen it out.  So around a normal lunch time I made a small lunch.  Boiled some pasta, added a can of tuna, with mushrooms, white onion and spinach then made a small fruit salad with apple, banana, & kiwi.  That came out to be 451 calories.

I know that one of the hardest parts of changing the way you eat is feeling hungry when you logically know you’re not.  Have to find ways to make things filling so you don’t feel like that.  However, it takes me some time to figure out the line.  I had to run up to the store for some flour and I ended up eating a monster size Slim Jim (270 calories).  Yep!  Seriously.  I knew better and logically I knew there was something better for me at the store but I ate it anyway.  I finally got to the point where I didn’t feel like I was starving.  (Please don’t let my feeling of that detour anyone from redoing their eating habits.  Even before sometimes the more I ate the more hungry I felt.  So it’s just me.)

Once home I began making dinner and ended up having a chicken fried steak, green beans with bacon, mushrooms & onions, and a side of Rice O Roni (Rice Pilaf flavor).  (723 calories)  Sometime during the process of making this my mood shifted and I ended up getting really upset.  I have no idea why or how or anything.  But… I did & I ended up eating in silence, and then going to bed and laying there in the dark for a few hours before dozing off.

But.  Sadly before that I ended up eating ice cream that I didn’t have the calories for (I had 33 calories left because I don’t add in the exercise calories).  I think it was between 90 & 150 calories.  That’s where I stood that day I don’t even know how many calories was in the ice cream.

It’s okay though!  Completely okay!  Today is a new day and I just have to get back on.  Heck it’s only day two.  So I can’t get too mad at myself.

Goals.

Everyone talks about goals for weight loss.  I am not sure if I actually said what they are.  My goals are simple – to fit in some pants that I bought a few months ago that are too tight.  Right now they won’t go past my hips (which is weird to say because I don’t have hips) and I can’t put them on.  I tried my grandmothers trick – unbuttoned them, laid flat on the bed, and tried to button them like that.  I did get them on and buttoned, but it was only because The Boyfriend buttoned them for me.  But I couldn’t breathe so I took them off and put them away.  But I will get in them.

I would like to pull off 47 pounds before July 12, 2017.  Why this date?  I had a doctors appointment last week and I saw that I had pulled off 18 pounds in four months without exercising and without taking nothing away.  I was still eating a large pizza by myself, deep fried foods, etc.  I figure if I start exercising I could double that easily.  So, I figure 47 pounds should be a breeze especially if I start counting my calories.

I want off medication.  Right now I take four things per doctors orders & one because of what that medication does to me.  I take losartan & metoprol for blood pressure.  Then I take janumet & trulicity for diabetes.  Then of course since all four of those medications give me heartburn I added in Prilosec because I cannot handle the after effects of the heartburn.

See!  Realistic goals.

My unrealistic goal.  To be in a bathing suit before summer.  That would take a miracle. :)
Website

Day One Continued…

I’m going to drown you people with blogs.  I hope you’re ready for this….

At least today.  I’m sure they’ll start dwindling as the days progress.  I’m eventually going to get mad about that bucket of chicken.

Here are my rules for my weight loss.
1. No getting mad at myself if I fall off the wagon.
If one day I decide to eat that bucket of chicken in one sitting with a gallon of extra sweet, sweet tea watching reruns of my 600-Pound life crying like a two year old.  I will not get mad at myself.  I’ll just dust off the chicken crumbs, throw away the tea jug, stop watching that show (it makes me cry every time) and move on to the next day.  Tomorrow is always a new day…

2.  I will NOT keep anything from my diet.
I see a lot of people fail because they decide that they can not eat bread, pasta, rice, sugar (I barely eat this anyway), cakes, pies, etc.  So they pull it from the house and their daily consumption.  Here is what I learned the first time around: if I take something away and tell myself I’m not allowed to eat it.  I’m going to eat it.  And I’m going to eat a lot of it.  So, if I tell myself that I can have it, I’ll still eat it.  But I’m going to eat it reasonably.  So, if I want a piece of birthday cake – I’ll eat it.  Although, I don’t eat much sweets which makes me a weird fat person.  I make it up elsewhere, don’t worry.

3. Exercise is a must.
So what?  I only get in twenty minutes one day.  I won’t hate myself for that either.  I’m going to take that 20 minutes & be proud of myself.  (Went for a walk this morning and realized it only took me 20 minutes – I was aiming for at least 30.  I guess I walked too fast.)  Some doctors and specialists say that 20 minutes a day is perfect.

4. Have a cheat day!
Some say a cheat day detours you.  I don’t agree.  I’m also not a doctor or specialist – just a fat person trying to not fail.  When I pulled off the 50 pounds in three or four months I gave myself a cheat day.  It was payday and I would take myself to the Chinese place a couple towns over.  I eventually stopped going and did it less.  (I get paid bi-weekly.)  But I left that option there because it’s the only thing I find myself craving.

5. Give in to your cravings.
It sounds kind of weird.  But.. if you crave it.  Eat.  It.  If have a craving for something and tell yourself you can’t have it you’re going to be eating any & everything you can to fill that void.  So ladies, if you’re craving chocolate.  Eat it.  Just don’t eat the whole candy bar.  It’s possible, I promise.

6. Be lazy.
I toyed with this one for a while.  I always figured if you want to lose weight you can’t just sit & do nothing.  You always have to be up && doing something.  But when I realized that I am allowed to do nothing & just watch television, I was able to stay on track better.  You look at a lot of the well built people – body builders – gym goers… they always seem to be doing something.  So why can’t I find something to do?  Sometimes you just don’t have anything to do.  (Keep in mind you get exercise by doing household chores.  Laundry.  Dishes.  Sweeping.  Vacuuming.  Playing with your children.)

7.  Take a breather.
Don’t be stupid and over do it.  Your body will tell you how far and how much you’re able to do.  Don’t be stupid and go too far, too long, and kill yourself.  That’s pretty much more dangerous than being overweight.

8.  Eat your pizza.
This seems to be the one thing people hate giving up besides cheese, of course.  Don’t give it up.  Eat it.  Just don’t go crazy.  If you’re like me and cannot get full off of two to three slices… add a salad.  Yum!  Who doesn’t love salad?  Stop looking at me like that.  Eat a salad along with those two to three slices.  Yes, it’s a lot of calories, but so is the food you’re going to eat trying to fill that pizza void.  Just eat it.

9.  Don’t do it alone.
I’m not saying put everyone in your house on a diet.  What I am saying is to cook for everyone the same way.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with cooking better for other people.  Switching out baked fried chicken for oil fried chicken is healthy for everyone.  Having a turkey burger rather than a beef burger.. chicken rather than steak.    I mean, hey!  If you can make them fried chicken && not eat as much of it, all power to you!  I can eat one piece and walk away.  But I’m weird. :)

10. Don’t expect a miracle.
You didn’t put the weight on in one day no matter what you think.  It took years to get to the weight you’re at and you cannot expect to pull it off in one day or one week.  Or even one month.  Give yourself realistic goals and set them for yourself.  Realistic means something you know you can accomplish.  Don’t tell everyone that you’re going to pull off 100 pounds in six months.  Logically that is dumb.  You’re only supposed to lose 2-3 pounds a week, that’s only 8-12 pounds a month.  Stop setting yourself up for disappointment!

Some after thoughts:
Drink water.  Don’t get me wrong I will not give up soda, fact – I have a 2 liter diet cherry diet pepsi in my kitchen.  However, now instead of drinking a 2 liter in one day I can now make it stretch to at least a week.  I have put in more water in my diet because it’s good for you.  Don’t like straight water?  Crystal Light!  I freaking LOVE crystal light.  Especially the pink lemonade & cherry limeade.
Keep a food diary.  I have an app on my phone called FitnessPal.  It’s easy to use, quick, and I absolutely enjoy the app.  I also use one called Runtastic for exercising purposes.  It took me a few minutes to figure out but once you do it’s great!  I have looked at other apps thinking maybe there was a better one, but I haven’t found one that I like more than the two I have.
Explore with seasonings when cooking. You can make any and everything taste fantastic when you find seasonings that you like.
Find a hobby.  One of the problems I found I was having with losing weight is that I wasn’t thinking about anything ever other than food.  It was literally my first thought when I woke up, every thought during the day, and last thought before going to sleep.  Until I was around nineteen when I realized my food habits is in fact a problem and I found a hobby – which anyone who has followed me for a while knows it’s writing.  So now, my first, middle & last thought of the day is writing.  What to write about?  How to write it?  When will I write it?  Who is going to read it?  Who might like it?  I find myself lately only thinking about food when I’m laying in bed (when I’m too lazy to get up and eat) or when I am hungry.  Or when it’s time for medication.  Plus, I read somewhere from a specialist, I don’t remember where or when, but it said the urge to eat/snack/pack fried chicken in your face only lasts about ten minutes.  Once you get past the ten minute mark, usually you don’t have the urge to eat anymore.  Is it true?  I don’t know, I usually get angry when I don’t eat.  I’m working on that.
If I can give any advice right now to anyone.  It will always be “don’t be afraid to eat”.  I get it, whatever you put in your mouth stays.  I understand that.  I’ve fought weight issues all my life and up until lately I didn’t realize there are simple things you can do to fix it.  SIMPLE.  When you become afraid to eat you lose all power you have over food.  It wins.  && you cannot let it win.  You have to be the one who wins over it.  Right now it has a lot of power over you && once you realize why, or how… you can become victorious!

You’re probably thinking.. what gives you any right to tell me how to fix something when you are still overweight yourself.  Well… stay put, walk with me and follow along… and I will prove it to you && actually tell you what I eat and how many calories it is.  I will tell you how I feel afterwards, and everything.  I promise to prove to you everything I will say works for me.  &&&& I honestly feel like it would work for you to.

Keep wishing me luck!
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The beginning…

I’ve been trying to figure out a reason to use this blog.  I mean – I have had it since February of 2012 and I have issues about getting rid of things without a good reason.  But I think I have decided how to use this so I can keep up with different stuff.  Will I keep it updated?  Hopefully.

Today is day number one.

For what, you may be asking.  Well, I have decided to give this “weight loss” another try.  Back in 2013 I pulled off 50 pounds – boy was I so happy.  It took me four months to realize that I am capable of pulling the weight off I just have to have determination and stop eating a full bucket of chicken just because I can.  (I honestly don’t remember eating a full bucket of chicken in one sitting, but it’s a great example of what not to do.)

I fell off of track around November of that year.  I began having issues with my right foot, a pain so horrible that I was crawling to the restroom or crying when I walked on it.  I finally sought a doctors help and was told that I have plantar fasciitis in that foot.  For anyone that doesn’t know what that is – it hurts like a mother*bad word*.  I’m not 100% sure but I’m pretty sure that it has something to do with my weight and the fact that I am flat footed.  I’m not a doctor – I don’t know for sure.  But for some doctors my weight is the reason for everything.  “Oh, you’re having nightmares?  Yeah, it’s because you’re fat.”  “OOOOOH, you’re clumsy and breaks cups all the time?  Yeah, it’s because you’re fat.”  You might giggle at that, but I have had it.

I know, common sense, that most of my issues is my weight, which is what I’m attempting to do.  So, as long as someone fit doesn’t make fun of me for exercising – again – I’ll stay on track and do what I have to do.

So, again, this is day one of probably three million, seven hundred, eighty-nine days to go.  (I might be exaggerating a bit.)

Today has started out well but then again I have been up since about six-forty and it’s only 8:46.  (In The Morning)  Yep.  I’m awake with the sun and chirping birds.  My television is off.  Not by choice – well, I am mad at it.  It won’t stay connected to the internet and I can’t watch The Chew like I wanted to.

I feel like I got a full nights rest.  I drooled, and woke up wet.  That’s usually a good meaning.  Wait!  Stop that you dirty minded person!  Wet.. as in I drooled all over my t-shirt.  Ya nasty!  Would I still be asleep if the boyfriend hadn’t turned on all the lights in the house and blinded my darkness?  Maybe.  But I’m not so enjoy this.

Laid there for a little bit until he fell asleep.  THen I realized I was hungry.  Here is where the problem always happens.  Food.  Food is my problem.  Always has been.  I am pretty sure that it’s not because I want to eat it.  There are days (Like Saturday at work) where I don’t eat or want to each much.  So what’s my issue?  The taste.  I feel sorry for anyone out there who hasn’t eaten something and in the middle of that bite just stopped, took a deep breath with your eyes closed and just thought, “damn!  this is good.”  It’s a great feeling!  I decided though that just because I’m attempting to lose weight doesn’t mean that I will lose that feeling.  I just have to stop.  I can’t let that feeling go on for an hour – or I could if I eat slow… which I do.  Sometimes my speed of eating worries me.

Back on track.  So realizing I was hungry I decide to make myself breakfast.  Breakfast.  Breakfast.  Breakfast.  I’m saying it a lot trying to get my head to wrap around the fact you’re supposed to eat it daily and some say it’s the best meal of the day.  ((I like dinner.))  I have never been much of an egg eater and lately they don’t settle completely in my stomach.  They end up giving me, what I like to call “sulfur belches”.  The best way to describe them is farting out of your mouth.  Yes!  It’s really that disgusting.  I hate having them so I just tend to stay away from eggs as much as possible.

I have realized, though, that you don’t have to eat eggs for breakfast.  There’s other foods that are just as tasty.  All else fails – I’ll just make me a smoothie with tons of fruits.  But today I chose scrambled eggs (because I cannot make an omelet) with pork, spinach, onions, mushrooms & cheese with a side of hash brown. (483 calories)  I wonder, though, what is the appropriate amount of calories for breakfast?

I ate it.  I still feel hungry.  I’m not & I know this.  But I feel like it.  Snacks are going to be my friend.  Good snacks.  Like freshly popped popcorn or an apple.  Orange.  Banananana.

I think my downfall is and always will be exercising.  It doesn’t seem like that big of a deal especially when my goal is to exercise four days a week.  Why?  I work on Saturday, Sunday & Monday with not very much time in between.  I get home around six fifteen in the morning, go to sleep, wake up around three in the afternoon just to be at work by five thirty to do it all over again.  Three twelve hour days are fantastic until you realize that if you had a different shift you would have time to relax in between them.  Like third, the shift the boyfriend works – he goes to work around eight thirty at night and get’s home around six fifteen in the morning.  He has time in between shifts to do whatever.  Would I switch to third?  No.  Not at all.

I found time the first time around to exercise before work.  Wake up at two and exercise and still give myself enough time to get to work on time.  I live closer to work now but the big question, will I exercise before work?  If I do then I could actually exercise up to seven days a week.  That seems like a lot of exercising.

One issue I always seem to have when trying to lose weight is that I don’t want to be one of those people who cannot live without exercising.  I understand the benefits of it but do I want to do nothing but worry about exercising.  Miss one day and then get so mad at myself that the next day I nearly kill myself trying to make up for it?  (Yeah, I don’t think I’d get to that point either, but what if?)  I want it for the benefits of losing weight, getting off medication, and living past 40.

So… day one is starting off well.  Hopefully I get to a day 30 and everything is still going swimmingly.  Only time will tell, I guess.

Wish me luck!
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