This post was originally wrote November 05, 2013.
I sat here tonight and cleared out my computer.
For almost five years I have not had internet and rarely ever used my computer. Only doing small things: playing games or using it to write. A few months after I moved into the house I live in now, I hooked up my computer and it wouldn’t turn on. That’s always a sad moment for someone who used to live on their computer. Then I think about how much music and writing I have saved on this and the moment becomes even sadder. So, I unhooked my desktop and put it away – hoping one day I might figure out how to fix it. Last week my brother came and got my desktop and fixed it – sending me a picture message while at work proving that it was on.
I am not sure if I have been that excited in a while.
I finally hooked it up and turned it on. Then sat here and deleted everything that I no longer have the use for. I removed quite a bit from my computer. Three different messengers (MSN, AIM, & Windows), games that I have played & won many times (leaving only three games left: Supermarket Mania, Farm Frenzy 1 & 2, & Hotel Mogul.
It was so many years and days I spent on the internet when I lived with my dad that I feel like I have completely erased that side of me. I think about it, every now and then, of how many years I spent in front of a computer. That when my Dell went out a few years ago I freaked! Not honestly because I lost all my music – I could get that again – or the writing I had – none of it was finished – but because I couldn’t spend my life sitting in front of it eating as much as I could put in my mouth. I have wondered how I allowed myself to do that. Even though the internet obsession began when I was 13 and ended when I no longer had the internet (19 years old) it seems like a part of me that I need to put to rest. Finally be done with it.
I had made a whole new me. A better me. I went by a fake name, fake looks, and fake hobbies. I made things up so much that, for the longest time, I honestly believed it. Until I looked into a mirror and realized that it was nothing but lies. It was so nice to be able to sit around and have conversations with people about everything, from politics to music. I enjoyed the people so much that they became all I ever thought about. (I have often wondered what ever happened to those people. The friends I made all of those years hiding out.)
I have sense been in contact with friends I had before that happened & they all ask me the same thing “where have you been? “ Truth is, I was here. I was living in my hometown until I was sixteen & then only moved twenty minutes away. I was not able to be found on MySpace (when it was popular) or FaceBook because I used my ”fake” name. Fact: my FaceBook is still under my fake name. That’s why no one can find me unless we’re mutual friends with people.
I wonder a lot, sitting here today, if it was a down spiral after losing my mother. I was fifteen when that happened and after that never came out. I never surfaced again until I was 23 when my dad passed away. Why then? I am not sure. But I do know that I got back in contact with friends from high school, and I leave my house. I have a job (didn’t back then and when I did only lasted about six months before I quit, leaving myself back into the internet) that I enjoy more than anyone could imagine. I began writing again – almost finished with the rough draft of my novel. I have a cell phone & that might seem strange to admit, but I didn’t have a phone when everyone else did. Because I didn’t want to be found. I wanted to be left alone with my food and computer.
I found it a big step when I made my twitter account & used my name @HightowerBarb. (Follow me. *winks*)
Will I delete my FaceBook & make a new one finally, making it public, and letting people know how and what I’m up to? That’s the biggest question for me right now & I’m not sure yet. Finally getting under my name on everything will be something I didn’t think I would do when I was younger.
Will I go back to those ways once I get the internet back (will have it about three weeks after I wrote this), or will I continue with the life I’ve made in the last two years?
Will the internet seem as great as it did, not even, six years ago?
This was an issue I had for many years and I decided last year that the only way I could fix my problems and live the life I want – achieve the things I want in life – is to admit & correct. I guess that’s what I feel like I’m doing right now. Admitting it so I can correct it.
I have admitted to having a lot of problems in the last few years and I haven’t had as many issues. Life seems better and the sun seems brighter. (Even as corny as that sounds.)
I guess only time will tell just how much I have changed and how many things I won’t let affect the way I live and act. I’m just hoping for the best – and hopefully I will finally be able to be the person – completely – that I have always dreamed about being. Intelligent. Happy.
For now, though, I’m happy with being content.