I’m a little upset…

I’m extremely upset with myself but not for any of the reasons you’re probably thinking. When I went to the doctor in December of 2016 the doctor told me ‘throughout the whole year I had lost 10 pounds’.  He was excited however I knew I could do better.  Small changes & I could take off way more than that.  So I decided that I would change the way I ate, not take anything out but just eat less.  When I get full I’ll stop.  I went to the doctor in March of 2017 && I had lost 18 pounds.  18 pounds in four months without changing what I ate only how much, how often, &&& I was NOT exercising.

I was on cloud 9!  Because I just proved my preaching correct.  Yes, it’ll take me a while to get the other 147 pounds off but I know I can do it.

Sitting in the doctor’s office I decide that I’m going to add exercise to my life.  You know, just a small walk – once a day between 20 & 30 minutes.  If I go longer yay!  If I don’t Yay!  When a person doesn’t get any exercise whatsoever, a small amount does wonders.

So last Wednesday I decide to put it to work.  I go for my walk and feel wonderful but I’m hungry.  All day.  Every day.  Because I know logically I’m not eating enough food.  Because when you start calorie counting it scares the living crap out of you!  You look at things you eat daily and finally realize that you are in taking so many calories.

I scared myself into calorie counting when I began this by just wanting to add exercise.  I wanted to prove to the world that you don’t have to chew on lettuce, or snack on celery.  That you could go and enjoy a meal out when you don’t feel like cooking.  Or stop by the convenience store and get some crispetoes.   But I didn’t do that.  I stopped eating anything deep fried (I don’t that often anyway), stopped asking for pizza.  I WAS STILL EATING PIZZA WHEN I LOST THE 18 POUNDS WITH NO EXERCISE.

I don’t believe you can lose weight if you’re miserable.
I don’t believe you can lose weight if you’re hungry all the time.
I don’t believe you can lose weight if you’re not satisfied with what you’re doing.

I got to the point last night that I was scared to eat.  &&& I was hungry.  I’m not talking bored hungry, or whatever.  I was stomach growling uncomfortable please give me something in an IV hungry.  But I was scared because I would go over calories.  Who cares if I eat over 1,910 calories a day.  Last weekend at work I was miserable.  MISERABLE.  I’m sitting there hungry just thinking about  the next moment I get to eat.  I wasn’t thinking about work.  I was thinking about food.  Because I was hungry.

I do believe that I need more water.
I do believe that I need less deep fried foods.
I do believe that I need more greens, veggies, & fruits.

But I also believe that I will not do this if I’m hungry all the time and only thinking about food.  So I need to stop && readjust what I’m doing.  Because I’m doing something wrong.

When I go back to the doctor in July if I don’t lose the 47 pounds – that’s okay.  But I do want to see if it’s possible to lose weight without eating ONLY veggies and fruits.  I’m a huge meat eater – I don’t think a dinner is complete without some form of meat.  People will & have argued with me over that, but if I look at a plate of nothing but veggies and fruits, I’m unhappy.  Now, add a piece of nicely cooked chicken or pork chops, I’m happy.  When you’re fighting food you can’t be unhappy with it because then you’re just going to try & find something to make you happy.  When you have issues && turn to food – guess what you’re going to do trying to find a happy place.  You’re going to eat.  &&& eat.  &&& eat.

What I need to readjust in my head is my motivation.  I want off my medication.  I don’t want it to get worse I want it to get better and until I pull off some weight it won’t work.  But I’m NOT going to be unhappy while I do this.  Because I’d rather stay overweight && be happy, then lose all of the weight and be scared of food. Be scared of eating an apple because they have hidden sugars and it might make me fat again.  What kind of life is that?

What if I want to make spaghetti one night and have a big bowl of it and just enjoy it?  I can’t if I’m scared of food.  I don’t want to be scared to buy food at work the days I wake up so tired && it takes everything to go for my walk let alone make myself breakfast, lunch, diner & snacks.  When I could just go to work and get something.  Yes, it’s not healthy, but I feel like eating nothing but fruits and veggies will be unhealthy too.  Especially for someone like me.  Who – when hungry – eats, and eats, and eats until I get to the point of making myself sick.  But I am full after I eat in the first place I don’t think about food as much.  I mean I’m always thinking about food – that’s just me.  Like I have already figured out what I’m making tomorrow night for dinner and I haven’t been to sleep.

No, I’m not trying to talk myself out of weight loss.  I’d never do that.  What I’m trying to do is secure the weight loss.  I’m trying to make sure I don’t fail…. again.  I’m tired of being overweight.  I’ve been tired for year.  I know calorie counting with my app on my phone works.  But I’m unhappy.  I will never finish my weight loss if I feel like this.  I’ll never get to a healthy weight if I feel like I do right now.

What made me realize all of this?  I freaking LOVE Frito chili pie.  LOVE.  IT.  I’m not a chili eater unless you give me Frito’s, cheese, onions & salsa.  &&& I’m in love.  Tonight the Boyfriend wanted that for dinner and I’m not going to tell him no.  I made a Frito chili pie tonight for myself using the serving size.  I don’t know if anyone has ever tried to eat a serving size of Frito’s & chili but it seriously made me so sad.  I just sat there & thought about what I was trying to accomplish and what I was doing to myself not eating a normal portion for someone my size.

So I’m going to turn right && choose to eat what I want to eat.  Yes, I will still eat the good-for-me foods like I have been.  But I think I’m going to stop counting calories.  I’ll keep my app, I’ve had it for years.  I want to see if adding exercise, & drinking more water will double my weight loss in July.

So yeah, I probably just made this even harder for myself to get the weight off && it’ll probably take me years.  But that’s okay.  It is.  It’s fine.  But I’d rather be doing this for years then be unhappy right now.  But we never know… maybe a miracle will happen && I can get the next 150 pounds off in the next year & a half.

All I have to remember is one thing… exercise. exercise. exercise. exercise.
Plus, as I exercise and my body gets more used to it I’ll be able to increase it and do more.

One day at a time.

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