The first time around when I was attempting to lose weight seemed easier. I’m not sure if it’s because I was more focused or if maybe I wanted it more the first time around. I feel as if I should want it more this time – wanting to get off of medication & get my numbers under control sounds like a fantastic reason to pull off weight. Especially since I wasn’t on any then but am now.
I don’t remember being this tired the first time. Two years ago I had decided, even on the weekend when I work, that I would wake up, exercise and eat better. I did well on it. (Weekends waking up at 2 pm – since I work from 6pm to 6am.) I don’t feel as if I had this much trouble those many years ago. I mean, yes, don’t get me wrong – I do remember having days/nights where I honestly didn’t want to do anything & just wanted to eat fried chicken and cheese sticks. I didn’t. I stuck to my plan. I pushed myself to exercise even on days I didn’t want to. THANKSGIVING of that year I had dinner and then exercised for an hour.
I was so proud of myself.
This time around I’m having many issues. Eating issues. (I don’t eat as bad as I used to but I still have my issues.) Exercising issues. I decided that I would get a gym membership (which I did) and I would go with my friend twice a week – the other days going for walks at a walking path we have in town. I think since I began this (starting seriously beginning in April) I have exercised well for a week & then just having a good day here and there.
Food wise… Ugh! That I don’t even want to talk about. The first time I shopped mostly at Aldi’s since they have so many low calorie products. For breakfast I would range from cereal with fruit and toast, to breakfast tacos (corn tortillas, eggs, sausage & cheese). Then for snacks it was usually things like tiny bags of cookies, or Cheese Its. For lunch, when at work I’d make a sandwich with chips but at home I’d make a bowl of soup, or a chicken salad. Then a snack. Then for dinner I would make chicken or tuna with pasta, a little sauce, and a vegetable. I never took anything from myself meaning, if I wanted it I ate it. I wouldn’t tell myself no – which worked – well. From September to December I had pulled off 50 pounds. (Couldn’t tell, but I did.)
I figured I would do the same thing this time around. I still remember what I ate, how to eat it, the amounts, and I still have everything I had then (equipment wise). So why am I having such a hard time with it? I cannot blame it on the fact that this time I live with people. They have all said they wouldn’t mind if we changed it up a little. I know every single person in my household would welcome lighter foods and smaller amounts. I decided to attempt to pull weight off and get off the medication and it seems as if we eat out more than we did before. It’s as if I just stopped cooking. (Which is one of my favorite things to do.)
The boyfriend bought me a slow cooker for this! How many people do that for each other? He bought me something so I could take my lunch to work, them have something healthier to eat when I’m at work, so I would no longer have to buy bad for me foods. I think since he bought it I did it for one weekend. (Mostly because everything I have cooked in it comes out watery – even after cooking for nearly nine hours.)
I know I’m sabotaging myself.
I can do this because I have done it before. I gave serious thought to having the weight-loss surgery but I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t feel like I’m there yet. I know… I KNOW I can do this. It’s all up to me and I keep getting in my own way. No one else. But how can you fix a problem when you’re not 100% sure what’s stopping you?
I thought I had the motivation I needed to go all the way this round but it seems like the more I try the more I fail. I think half of my hump is that I am so tired. Tired. Extra tired. I know for a fact that half of it is my medication & if I can get off of it I won’t be as tired. To get off of them I have to lose weight. I have to wake up and exercise to lose weight.
It’s a circle and I keep walking around in a triangle.
I tell myself every now and again that it’s okay if I miss a day – I’ll make it up tomorrow. The problem is that tomorrow never comes and I end up not doing anything. It’s getting to the point that I don’t wake up for days. I don’t remember sleeping like this since I stepped to the bright side of depression (topic for another day). I remember then sleeping for days only waking up to use the restroom, eat, and at times go to work. But once I walked up the hill at that point in my life I began sleeping more like a “normal” human. I’m back to only waking up for bathroom breaks and to make dinner for everyone. But then of course, the nights I need to sleep I can’t. Like right now, for an example, it’s two after six in the morning and I have to be up at two in the afternoon to get ready to be at work by five-thirty to do day one of my three twelve hour day work week. But like most Friday nights/Saturday mornings, I am not tired – so here I sit.
I have plans for myself “tomorrow”. Wake up at two in the afternoon and go for a walk. Come home and make something to take to work. (No one saw it because I’m on a computer, but I just rolled my eyes.) We’ll see what happens after I finally go to sleep and wake up.