There is a commercial that plays where a family is welcoming people in and they are handing out gifts with a soft Christmas song playing in the background. There is laughter & many smiles. Dad, mom, children, grand parents, uncles, aunts – everyone you can imagine. You can tell by watching it that you should feel something. Anything.
I go through this feeling yearly and I can’t seem to fix it. I have been searching for the Christmas Spirit that I remember as a child. Growing up I remember my mother having it – or so it seemed. Maybe she didn’t? I cannot really ask now. Maybe she faked it well. Another issue I have? I cannot even seem to fake the spirit.
Yes, I have things about Christmas I’ll always enjoy. I love buying gifts and giving them out. I love the lights, the cold, and the snow. But it’s that tiny spark people get I cannot seem to find.
I wish I could. I wish I could feel that something I felt as a child when my brother & I would wake up at six in the morning and sit in front of the Christmas tree. That feeling I had as I watched my mother prepare dinner or the glee I felt as the days counted down.
I remember watching our local channel all night as “Santa Claus” made his way around the world. It always made me smile to know that he’d be at my house soon. I would always make sure, once he got around New York, that I would go to sleep so he’d show up. After that my mother would hurriedly fill our stockings and leave out the Santa gifts. Then in the morning we’d have unwrapped presents waiting for us and we’d know that we’d been good and Santa made it – even if we didn’t have a chimney. (My mom told us how he’d shrink and go under the door. As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that is pretty creepy. But it’s still the story I’d pass down to the younger generation.)
Now it seems as if the older I get the less and less I enjoy. (That actually may be half the reason I get so irritated with people when they tell me I should not like cartoons anymore because I am too old. What should I be watching? Soap operas?)
Now that I am dating a guy with children I feel like I should be feeling something – if not for me, at least for them. I can only fake whatever it is I’m missing for so long. Slowly the “it” I’m faking is fading. Normally I would be sending out Christmas cards – but does anyone really care about them anymore? No. Because I send them to adults and it seems as if all adults feel the same way. Sparkles and laughter in front of the children but behind doors it’s pure cynical and bad attitudes.
I always knew I didn’t want to become an adult, but I honestly didn’t think I would lose everything I felt that made me happy in doing so.
Now it makes me wonder how many more years will I have loving cartoons before I wake up one day & just not care. How many more years will I enjoy coloring or putting puzzles together? How many more years, since I am only twenty-eight years old, do I have before I become the shell of a person I was and become nothing? How many years do I have before I become the adult I never wanted to become?