A life well lived?

Today, as I was watching last weeks episode of Vampire Diaries, I figured I would see what the Daily Prompt, What is a Life Well Lived to You, is about.  I’m sure this answer will be different from one person to the next.

For me, though, it’s pretty hard to answer.  Not because I’ve never thought about it.  That I don’t go to sleep at night and dream about what my life will feel like when it’s fulfilled.  What I want to accomplish before I die.

For the most part, when I think about it, I think about being a published author.  That I’ll be happy.  Publish book after book and become an author that people love the books from.  Read the books over & over until the binds undo.  Until they are forced to buy another copy because they cannot read that one anymore.

But is that all I want out of life?

I know it’s something.

But for me.  Sometimes I wonder if it’s enough.  It would be wonderful.  But my life is missing one thing, and I am having trouble finding it.  Happiness.

I’m not sure I remember what happiness feels like.  I’m talking straight up, loving life, happiness.  I lost it once.  I’ve been searching for it since.  At one point a few years ago I thought I had found it.  Grasped it tightly in my hands.  But just as quick as I thought I had it, it was gone.

I tell people a lot that I haven’t been happy since my mother passed away.  Honestly, I’m not sure I was even ‘happy’ before that.  I was only fifteen when I lost her.  Was I happy?  Did I know what happiness was?  Was I actually even happy?  Does anybody really know what pure happiness is?

I talk about this a lot with friends and family & they all tell me that one day I’ll be happy.  That I am happier than I have been in a few years.  Am I?  Shouldn’t I be able to tell that I’m happy BEFORE my friends & family?

What I am getting at.  For my life to be well lived, not only do I want to be a published author.  But  I would like to be happy.  Happy.  Pure enjoyment smiling all creepily happy.


Daily Prompt ::

I planned on writing on the daily prompt.  Especially since I haven’t been on much lately.  After reading through the last few, since I’ve been away, I realized that I won’t be able to write about them.  I seen one that sounded interesting, “write a post without using any three letter words” – I sat here for a moment and thought about writing that one.  Until I realized that, yeah I know other words in the English language, but without some of the three letter words, it doesn’t always make sense.  Plus, I don’t always think about it.

I like my three letter words.

I kept scrolling through and found one about ‘writing something that I wish could get published about something in the headlines’.  I don’t watch, or listen to the ‘headlines’ so I can’t write about that either.  I could fake it?  But that would be worse than using five million three letter words.

Times like this, though, is when I wish I did listen to headlines or watch the news.  That way when people ask me for my opinion on something I’d be able to write about it.  But I can’t.  Fact, I haven’t even read the other posts to see what they are about because I’m so anti headlines.  Maybe I am not totally anti headlines, I just don’t have any…. I just don’t care.

I do have people tell me all the time “just because you don’t care right now will probably change as you get older”.  I know I’m still young, but by 25, didn’t most care?  Except me.  I just don’t care.  Possibly when I’m 45 I’ll care about something.  Until then, I’ll just write about puppies playing in flower pots, or large rainbows with a small bowl of gold at the end.

Mostly because I’m choosing to stay in denial.  Anyone want to join me?

Well crud!  That wasn’t even today’s post.  Today’s post is about ‘what did I let slide and how would I fix it today‘.

When thinking about that all I can think of is a job I had at twenty-one.  I think I was twenty-one, anyway.  My past kind of blurs together after awhile.

I actually enjoyed this job.  At the time.  One of the better ones I had.  At the time.  Cheap Store gave benefits, and I had the hours I wanted.  The ladies I worked with were awesome and fun to be around.  I enjoyed going to work every day.

One Thursday night, one of the girls and I closed together.  After we restocked the shelves and closed all the registers we went to the back to count the money.  Like you do anywhere.  We finished counting and was one hundred dollars short.  That’s where my nightmare began.

I want to point out really quick that the girl that closed with me that night and I hadn’t been there all day.  We came in at four.  Before that it was the two managers.  It came out that it was from the assistant managers drawer, and not mine, and now we had to find it.

The next day we searched the whole store for that missing money.  Had to find it.  Had to save the assistant managers ass.  What did it take to do that?  Yeah.  What you’re thinking is more than likely correct.  For the next three days I was accused of stealing the 100$ out of HER register when we had our own sign in into machines.

They asked me the next day.
“If we pull the camera’s, what will we find?”

I replied with “that you guys are fucking stupid and I didn’t get in her register.”

I ended up quitting.  Giving them a piece of paper that basically said ‘eat me, you fucking cunts.’  I gave up.  I walked out.  The day they accused me of stealing.

You see, you can call me anything you want.  I don’t care.  Don’t EVER call me a thief.  Because I am not a thief.  At the time my dad was still alive.  If I needed 100$ that bad, all I had to do was ask him.

What would I have done differently?  First I would have hit the general manager straight in the face.  Because she was an old ugly whore. :)  Second.  I would have told them to pull the cameras.  I had never gotten into something like this, because I am not a thief.  Thinking about what to do in a spot like this was new to me.  I should have told them to pull it.  See that I was never in her drawer.  Because I wasn’t.  If I was, & I had done it.  I would have told them yes.

I haven’t been back to that Cheap Store since.  But I do know one thing – the assistant manager is now the manager there.  The old manager moved from that store to the one here in Marietta, and was fired for embezzlement.  Who outed her?  The wife of the man she was sleeping with.

Karma!  Remember that.

Me now?  I have one hell of a job.  Great friends.  & I honestly haven’t been this happy in a long time.

I’ll be even happier when I finish my book.  Just saying. =)

Revisionist History.

Today’s Daily Prompt : Go back in time to an event you think could have played out differently for you. Let alternate history have its moment: tell us what could, would or should have happened?

I could sit here and think of a few things I wish had played out differently.  Losing my mother.  Losing my father.  But out of everything that has happened in my life there really is only one thing that was under my control & I should have done differently.  Well, two things.  And sadly, both were about school.  Go figure!

When I lost my mother in high school I never felt the same afterwards.  I never felt like the “Barbara” I was before.  Now, I don’t remember her.  She’s gone and I cannot, no matter what I do, find who she was.  I’ve tried.

One thing that changed for me was high school.  I can remember trying so hard to finish, mostly for my mother, she had so many dreams for me.  Her and I had decided that after I graduated that we’d attend the same college and get a degree in Law.  Become lawyers.  Open our own firm and call it Hightower -N- Hightower.  It never happened.

When I entered eleventh grade, the counselor and I had discovered a way to keep me in school and graduate with my class.  A few extra courses and no electives.  Which was fine with me.  I was excited to finally be a junior with only one year left.  I went in with my head high.

Two months passed.  The feelings I had back in ninth flew back faster than I thought was possible.  I remember walking through the hallway and felt like the walls were literally closing in on me and I couldn’t breathe.  It was if I was not where I was supposed to be.

I never went back.

That began my life of wondering, I guess you could say.  I never had a “home” and no matter where I was at I never felt at “home”.  I felt like a drifter.  I never thought my life would become that.  I held odd and end jobs after wards, never fulfilling anything.  Because I knew, deep down inside, that what I wanted was an education. I’ve always loved to learn new things and fill my head full of information that not many people had.

When I got into a job that accused me of stealing, after talking to my dad, I decided to go to college.  After three semesters of college, one of which I lost my dad during, I flunked.  Why?  Because I let everyone tell me that the best thing to do was stick it out and not drop all my classes.  I dropped two and kept two.  I now owe the school 1400$, and until it’s paid I cannot go back.

If I could do it differently?  I wouldn’t have quit high school.  I would have went back.  I hadn’t missed any school up to that point, and I was actually passing.  I would have stuck it out and went to the college I dreamed about, Texas Tech University.  I’d be graduating.  I’d be happy.

Instead, I owe a college money, and I am never going to live out my dream of writing because I cannot afford to pay off the college.

When it came to college if I couldn’t have saved high school, I would have dropped all of the classes instead of just two.  Because I knew I wouldn’t be able to finish.  I pulled out the semester I lost my dad with a 4.0, & the next semester got to me.  I knew I wasn’t going to pass, but instead of listening to myself I listened to everyone else.  Just like when I picked my major.  Instead of picking English, like I wanted to in the first place, I have three semesters in for Business Management, when I don’t want to be a manager of nothing.

Turn the tv on, throw my hands in my pants :

Today the daily prompt is about a song that you love or connect with and put one line of the song as your title.

Who doesn’t love this song?  It’s like my small anthem of being lazy and it being okay.  Plus, when I listen to it I think about my four year old nephew singing in the backseat when we are going somewhere and it’s blaring out of the speakers.  Or when I still lived with my brother and he came into my bedroom requesting I play it for him, so he sits in my lap and watches the video as he sways back and forth.


Gabriel’s Inferno/Rapture!!

I have trouble finding things to write about.  Not because I am completely boring and I do absolutely nothing.  Oh wait.  Never mind.  My biggest problem is that I spend most of my free time writing.  When I’m not writing I’m nose deep in a book.  So since I decided that I do not want to post anymore of my writing, mostly because there is no point and I will just keep in my back pocket safe, that I will write book ‘reviews’.  Since no one really reads my blog anyway, I might as well just get the thoughts that clutter my mind out and maybe I can write a little better.  (Yes!  My writing sucks.)  Is using “!” a bad idea?  So I figure if I cannot think of something to talk about then I’ll just write a book review.

My first pick will be Gabriel’s Inferno and Gabriel’s Rapture by Sylvain Reynard.  Yes, I’m cheating by starting out by two.  You’ll notice if there is more than one connected to each other, I’m just going to put them in one post.  *waves hands around in air*  Otherwise, it’s too much clutter.  I’m trying to kill the clutter.

First I must say that I am obsessed with these books and partially with the author.
Obsessed [uh b-sest] : adjective;
1. Having an obsession (usually followed by with or by).
2. Having or displaying signs of an obsession.

Obsess [uh n-ses] : verb;
to dominate or preoccupy the thoughts, feelings, or desires of; beset, trouble, or haunt persistently or abnormally.

I want to point out, really quick, that I am not the weird obsessed person.  I’m not the type of person who becomes obsessed with something and then when the object of my obsession walks out of their house I’m sitting in the tree in their front yard.  Or in the bush by their bedroom window.  Or even in the mail box.  That’s not me.  I just tend to talk about that particular subject a lot.  For an example, I’ve been obsessed with Johnny Depp for many, many years.  I don’t stalk him.  *thumbs up*  So no worries!

I have never in my life read a book with such intensity as I did with these two books.  I was completely and utterly captivated by these books.  *shakes head*  ‘Captivated’ isn’t a strong enough word.  Taking ideas for a stronger word.

I must admit that I am a late bloomer when it comes to books.  I don’t know of authors and books before everyone else.  I cannot tell anybody that “I read that before you did.”  Because that’s a lie.  And lying is bad.  I had no idea who or what all of this was four weeks ago.  No idea.  I found Gabriel’s Inferno by accident.  I was looking for a new book and found a big shelf of 50 Shades of Grey, on the very bottom by the floor sat one copy of Gabriel’s Inferno.  I hadn’t heard of it so I glanced through it and the back cover.  It seemed interesting.  I purchased it along with Bared to You by Sylvia Day.  It took me a week to read this book.

When I first began the book I honestly didn’t think I’d even finish it.  It was written a lot more intelligently than I think. *sighs*  I got to a point that I had to look up a word.  Then look up the words it gave to mean the same thing.  Until I finally found a dictionary that was made for “dummies” and it dumbed it down enough and I was like “oh, well why didn’t he just say that?”  I like to flaunt my intelligence (which really isn’t all that much).  That book, even from the first page, made me feel like the stupidest person on the planet.  So in the first chapter I didn’t think I’d ever finish it.  But all of this isn’t bad.  It’s a very good thing.

The start of the second chapter I was hooked.  I couldn’t put it down.  I found myself staying up on the nights I worked to read.  Doesn’t seem that big of a deal?  I only get six hours of sleep before each of my twelve hour shifts.  So losing two hours because I cannot stop reading… hurts.

By the fifth chapter – I was obsessed.

Everything I read about these two books kept saying that it was just like 50 Shades of Grey.  I just want to point out that everything I read lied.  And lying is bad!  This book was NOTHING like 50 Shades of Grey.  Nothing.

50 Shades of Grey was a good set of books, don’t get me wrong.  But they are nothing compared to Gabriel’s Inferno/Rapture.  Am I being harsh?  I apologize.  Mostly.

The intelligence spewing out of Gabriel’s Inferno/Rapture was intriguing and a complete breath of fresh air.  I’ve read a lot, and none of which just made me stop and think “wow!”

I have read and reread these books.  The “sex” that everyone talks about isn’t “sex”.  It leaves to your imagination and makes you think instead of knowing.  Too much detail ruins the story line of the book, the way Sylvain Reynard wrote left it there.  Intact.  Perfectly.  Jaw dropping.

I found myself following Sylvain Reynard on Twitter.  I never follow people – well, besides Gabriel Iglesias, but who doesn’t follow him?  Oh and of course Chelsea Handler – getting off topic.  I found myself following Sylvain Reynard.  Getting on Twitter a lot more than I normally do.  *covers face with hands*  I told you!  I’m obsessed.  My personality isn’t the type to get hooked very easily.  Mostly because usually what I get used to having leaves and that is getting old.  But I find myself logging into Twitter just to see if he’s tweeted.  *pouts*  I’m hopeless.

I’ll be even more hopeless if it turns out not to be a guy.  Or an old guy.  Or gay.

Why am I obsessed with the author?  I live in a small southern Oklahoma town.  I am by far one of the most intelligent ones that live here.  And I’m stupid!  Intelligence is something that you don’t turn away quickly.  Especially when one finds it to be the most attractive thing about people.  In general.  Male or female.  Intelligence is just a jaw dropping experience.  When you live in the South, you don’t find that often.  Knowing there are still people out there who can talk in complete sentences & be able to spell “you”, gives me hope.

But then again.  He’s Canadian.  *purses lips*  So that makes a bit of a difference.  You know the old saying “Americans butchered the English language.”  Well, the South butchered the butchered English language.

Yeah.  I’m roaming around in all directions of the topic.  *smiles*  I do that!

So basically if I was to give these books a rating between 1 and 5.  It would be 102.  I plan on reading these books until the binding doesn’t hold.  Until the pages start falling out and landing on my bedroom floor.  Until the words are smeared off from my fingertips running across the words.  But then – I’ll just rebuy them.

Sylvain Reynard is a mystery.  And from what I can gather from it – that’s how he wants it.  Bravo to him!  The only thing that is killing me to know is his age & if he is for real, 100 percent male.  Because if it gets out that he is a female.  I’m going to be extremely agitated.  I won’t think any worse of the books, though.  But knowing that a girl writes like a guy – I’ll be sad.

Yes.  I just seriously said that the books are written like a guy.  I have read a lot of books written by women.  These books were written by a man.  And I will eat my shoe if I’m wrong.  *holds shoe up*  See!  Not very tasty looking.  But if it comes down to that, I’d like some hot sauce.

Dear 45 Year Old Self,

This is old, but I needed something to write about so I scanned through the old Daily Prompts & this sounded fun.

You’re what… 45 now?

I bet you were scared through your lifetime of getting older.  44 isn’t so bad, is it?  You’re probably thinking totally different.  Right now, though, I’m scared to death to get older.  Not because I’m older.  But because I’m closer to death.  Is that what you’re thinking?

I wonder if you’re still in Oklahoma.  Are you still living across the street from Tim?  Or did you finally grow some ‘balls’ & move away?  I kind of hope we did.

Are we still lonely?  Married?  Did we have kids?  Right now I don’t want any.  Any of it.  I’m too picky & it’s not worth settling with someone I don’t want & cannot love.  Know what I mean?  Did we ever figure out what ‘love’ was & do we feel it?

So have we become the scary cat woman that neighbor kids are afraid of?  I’m already almost there.  Neighbor kids won’t come out if I’m around.  *giggles*

Did any of our dreams come true?  Are we a novelist?  Did we finally finish the trilogy that we planned to a tee?  I hope so.  I really do.  That’s what would make me happy.  Do you even still write?  I would hate to know that one day I just stop.

I don’t know what it’s like when I’m 45; I’m sorry, what it will be like.  I just hope I’m happy.  Accomplished.  Thin?  I hope Tim & I are just as close – no matter where I am located.

I hope we don’t still work at the Casino.  I’m hoping that we’re far away from there living dreams we didn’t think was possible.

But in all, I hope for happiness & that all my ‘what if’s’ are gone & I am finally making decisions that will be great for myself.

Love always,
25 Year Old Barbara

Dear 14 Year Old Barbara,

This is old, but I needed something to write about so I scanned through the old Daily Prompts & this sounded fun.

Dear 14 year old Barbara,

Life as you know it is about to get really hard.  You’re fixing to make decisions you will regret for the rest of your life.  You’re going to be sad, lonely, & not want to be around anyone.  You’re fixing to feel feelings you didn’t think was possible at such a young age.  Just remember one thing as you’re going through it, you will always have Tim.  He may be a complete jerk sometimes, but he is the only brother who loves you more than you’d ever think.

Tomorrow tell your mother you love her.  You love her more than you can express in words.  Spend all the time in the world with her.  Hug her.  Kiss her.  Fill her water cup anywhere she shakes it.  If she asks you to do the weirdest stuff, do it.  No questions asked.

On April 10, 2003 : don’t go through her bad.  Leave it alone.  Just let whatever may be in it – leave it alone.

Get to know dad.  He’s such a great guy.  He loves you more than you’d think.  I promise.  Just feel lucky that you have both parents right now.  Dad really does love mom, don’t ever think otherwise.  Even when she has the weirdest dreams ever.

You’ll never figure out life.  Or at least you haven’t yet.  But you will figure out what you want to do in it.  You’ll realize that what everybody says you want, is not what you want.  Go with your heart on EVERYTHING you do.  Don’t live life doing “what if’s” just because you’re afraid.  Just remember one thing, you are a great person.  Don’t let anybody ever tell you different.  They will try to bring you down & eat dirt, but remember, you’re better than that.  You have great friends that you’ll keep forever.  Don’t ever think different.

Love always,
Your 25 year old self.