Abracadabra :)(:

I found myself walking the path my mother & I used to walk when I was younger.  Younger as in, around twelve, I’m not really that old now.  At least that’s what I am telling myself when I think about turning 25 next month.  Is it too early in life to start freaking out about age?

Her & I used to walk it because there are hills.  Unless you walk it backwards of course.  We never did.  I remember we walked it slow.  Talked.  I don’t think I could tell you any of the conversations.  But I remember we done nothing but talked.  I was listening to music as I walked it.  Mostly to drown out the jokes about “the fat girl walking”.  The only thing I wonder how are you supposed to become the not fat girl walking if people make fun of you for walking?

I used to walk a lot.  I love to walk.  I’m not going to say that I used to walk every day & it’s all I thought about.  That’s a lie.  I used to walk maybe once or twice a week.  If you’re lucky.  When my brother started driving you were lucky to ever see me walking.  Why walk when I have a ride?  But the jokes I heard was half the reason I stopped walking.  The other half?  It’s a mix between being extremely lazy & the pains I get from walking.  You know.  Because I am lazy.

Lazy is something I really must get over.  The pain I can eventually walk out.  If I am sitting still that’s when I hurt.  But if I keep moving then I don’t hurt.  (duh!)  It’s just that, though.  I don’t even want to be moving.  Honestly.  All I want to do is close all the doors, clothes the blinds, & get on the couch & sleep.  But I haven’t.  I’m still awake.  Mostly.  A part of me I really believe is asleep.

Don’t let me lie though.  I did doze off about fifteen minutes ago.  My cell phone woke me up & began moving around.

The walk yesterday was surprisingly good, though.  I was sore from the day before but I ended up walking out the pains.  Even though I cramped a couple times going up a hill.  Twice.

My next problem I have to get over?  Not eating dinner so late.

Last night I felt great after my walk.  But I was hungry & I wasn’t able to make dinner until around ten o’clock at night.  When, even I know, you are supposed to eat dinner before six & if you have a twang of hunger – snack.  Nothing large.  Small.  But sometimes I find myself sleeping until three.  Dinner at five?  Then what?  I’m hungry again by nine & I need to be in bed by ten.  It doesn’t work out very well.  I understand how it works.  Breakfast.  Snack.  Lunch.  Snack.  Dinner.  Snack.  But two problems.  One.  I rarely eat breakfast.  Let alone breakfast, snack, lunch, snack.  I find myself sometimes only eating once a day.  Does anybody really eat six times a day?

I honestly think this weight isn’t going to go anywhere.  I don’t have the time or the money to do this.  What does money have to do with anything?  I haven’t had groceries in my house in two months.  Why?  Because I cannot afford to buy groceries.  But if I think of it logically.  I don’t buy groceries because I need to eat at work on the weekends.  So I keep money for lunches.  If I buy groceries, I can take a lunch.  Especially since I am sick of the casino food.  (It’s the same thing every day.  Literally.)  I think my logic just faded.  (I’m not sure I had logic to begin with.  Shut up!)  

I will say this much.  My “work week” ends on Tuesday morning.  I arrive at home around 6:30 in the morning.  I am usually asleep by 7.  Then I normally sleep all day.  I’m talking waking up around 9 in the evening.  Get up & eat.  Then go back to sleep until around 7 in the morning on Wednesday.  I lost my Tuesday.  The week though, I set my alarm for 3 in the afternoon.  & I was awake until around 11 PM.  I felt wonderful all day.  & still do feel wonderful.  It’s something to keep in mind.

Maybe I will just become bulimic.


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