I actually stopped…

This will be short & quick.  It’s not long.  But I wanted to share because the girl at the grocery store thought it was hilarious.

Last night, after I finally rolled out of bed, I went up to the grocery store to get something for dinner.  As I was walking in a car alarm was set off.  I stopped.  Glanced behind me.  Looked at my car.  It wasn’t mine.  So I went on in.  Three steps inside the store I realized something.


I don’t have a car alarm on my car.

What made me stop & check my car for the car alarm I’ll never know.  It’s not like I’ve ever had one.

That was my “here’s your sign”…



By twenty-five most people have already figured everything out.  Or so they thought.  The ones who finish high school at 18 & decided against going to college.  They got married, and now have children.  Now finding part-time jobs around the age of 25 because their kids are in school & they are bored.

Then there are the ones who finish high school at 18 & went straight to college.  Finishing up their degree & probably near getting their masters degree.  They more than likely have a boyfriend they’ve had for many years & not looking at having children anytime soon but are talking about marriage.

Then there are the few out there who dropped out of high school at 16.  Not because they weren’t intelligent enough to do it, but because when they walked into their high school they felt as if they were drowning.  Nothing seemed right & everything was suffocating.  The teachers.  Students.  Homework.  Even their closest friends.  So they dropped out.  Didn’t finish.

Then horrible job after horrible job led them to realize they wanted to go to college.  They have no significant other, no children & aren’t really thinking about either.  They want to get a degree in something that matters to them.  Even if they have to use it for other things than what they hoped.

So around 21 they decide to go to school.  They enroll & begin their education in English.  Because that is what they want to do.  Half way through the semester, after talking to someone they are close with they decided to change their major to business – because English isn’t going to get them anything but they can do anything with a business degree.  A few semesters go by taking business class after business class.  After failing a complete semester of business classes it hits them!  I am in the wrong area of study.  But after so many semesters… isn’t it too late?

That is when all the conversations you’ve ever had in your past come to a flying halt in front of you & it makes you think oh no!

Then it makes you wonder if everything you’ve chosen so far, mostly out of fear of doing the wrong stuff, you’ve picked all the wrong stuff.
The point?

I just feel like I am supposed to do more than what I have done.  I’m so scared of leaving Oklahoma & being away from my brother when sometimes that is what I think I’m supposed to do.  Ever feel like the life you’re living isn’t the life you were meant to live?  At times I feel extremely happy & others I’m sitting around watching television by myself thinking I wish there was more to this.  I’m not so sure it’s all about colleges & work.. but something is missing & I cannot pinpoint what it is.  But sitting here tonight I think about going back to College & finishing my two year.  Then what?  Go on with my two year and be done with it?  No.

But the biggest question I have : How can a person figure out what is missing in their life if they aren’t sure what it is?

Having Withdraws.

Every now & again I’ll find books that I cannot for the life of me put down.  I’ll read it like it’s part of my life.  Then when I finally finish it I’m sad.  Like extremely sad.  Sad.

Back in 2008 I read the Twilight Saga.  I had actually attempted to read “Twilight” by Stephenie Meyer once before & couldn’t get into it.  Stuff exploded in my life.  Made a big mess.  & I saw “Twilight” sitting on my dresser so I read it.  I was down.  Completely out.  I wasn’t happy & books seemed to help sometimes.  I picked it up & began reading.  This time around I couldn’t put it down.

Twilight Saga

I ended up reading all four books within a month.  Sort of.  I would have been able to had it not taken me four weeks to get the 4th book from the library.  Now, might I add that I HATE to wait.

After I finished the books I felt empty.  As if I had something missing from my life that I couldn’t piece together.  I ended up having an emotional break down & left state.  Was that from the books?  No.  But I did enjoy the books.  A lot.

I was not able to get into another series again.  I read books off & on after I left state.  I basically lived at the library where I went.  I read a few books that I now couldn’t tell you the names of except a book I read that had a cupcake on the front.  I remember nothing else.

This year I was watching Ellen DeGeneres & she spoke about some books.  She explained that she was on an air plane & the woman next to her was reading a book she had heard about, never read, & kept fidgeting in her seat.  Watching that woman made her want to buy & read the books.  Ellen talking about them made me buy the first book.  Yes.  I am talking about “50 Shades of Grey”.  I had never previously read a book like that before so I was a little curious.  I bought the first book on my sister-in-law’s Nook & began reading.  I was hooked.  HOOKED!

Fifty Shades of Grey

I read these books at work.  Every now & then I’d laugh.  Never squirmed like women say they did.  Never found a reason to need to find a guy.  Like women said.  I did, though, love the books.  Not even finished with the first book, I purchased “Fifty Shades Darker” & “Fifty Shades Freed”.

After I finished these books once again I felt empty.  Like something was missing.  Then I started dreaming about my own personal Christian Grey.  Now, let me explain that I never once had a raunchy dream.  I just dreamed about my Christian Grey.  The stuff she wrote about in that book got my attention.  I don’t want to say “I’m into things like that”, because for anybody who has read these might think I’m weird.  I am weird.  Sexually… I am curious.  & we will leave it at that.

I began looking for some more books like these.  Or even like the “Twilight Saga”.  But after thinking about it, though, I decided against trying to find another vampire story.  Mostly because I have attempted to reread “Twilight” & I can’t.  I cannot get into the saga anymore.  I’ve tried.  I’m guessing that it’s just one of those things – I can read it once but not again.  “Fifty Shades”, however, I could read over & over, & I am actually thinking about reading them again.

Two weeks ago I walked into Hasting’s with nothing on my mind except walking out with a couple of books to read.  When you first walk into that store, or at least the one I have here, all you see is “Fifty Shades”.  On the bottom of the rack sat a book I grabbed & glanced over.  I ended up buying that book.  Mostly because it refers to being like Fifty Shades.

Bared to You

The cover is so simple.  But yet the book is unbelievable.  In my opinion, of course.  But, it is so similar to “Fifty Shades” that I never doubted that I would like it.  I am sad, though, of how similar it is to “Fifty Shades”.  Is that how it’s going to be?  Cannot read anything else unless it is so much like “Fifty Shades” that I threaten to throw it away without finishing it because of it?  Eh.  Probably not.  But what a thought.  Now I’m waiting for them to release the second book.  It will be out October 23rd.  Have I ever mentioned that I hate to wait?  Then I have to wait until December to get the 3rd book.  If I had honestly known it was a three book deal & I had to wait for number 2 & 3.  I probably wouldn’t have read the first one.  That is how much I hate to wait.

I kept walking through Hasting’s & found another shelf that held “Fifty Shades”.  Who would have ever thought there would be that many shelves of “Fifty Shades”.  (serious face)  On the bottom shelf of that particular display – it was a display, many shelves, I don’t know what I am saying half the time – sat another book.  I had actually heard of this book before.  I found it once on Barnes & Noble, but it didn’t seem my taste at the time.  Or I didn’t really read what it was about the first time.  I don’t really recall, to tell you the truth.  All I know is that the front cover made my eyebrow raise in curiosity.

Gabriel's Inferno

The cover of this book actually makes it look more… sexual. I was in awe of this book.  “Gabriel’s Inferno” was not what I expected when I bought it.  When I saw this book on the bottom shelf of “Fifty Shades” I expected raunchy.  Especially since a guy wrote it.  Oh, how I was wrong.  I enjoyed this book more than I enjoyed the “Twilight Saga”, & almost as much as I enjoyed “Fifty Shades.”  This book goes into more depth of information.  Backgrounds.

I may be the only person who does this but when I am reading a book I sometimes think “If I had wrote this book, I would have put this in it….”  This book.  Actually put in it what I would have.  But when I bought it I only bought the first one.  I was worried that I wouldn’t like it since it was written by a man.  (I’ve never gotten into books written by men.)  Oh how wrong I was.  Now I’m waiting until payday to buy the second book.  Have I mentioned that I really, really hate to wait?

I don’t have a book to read right at this moment.  & I am having with draws.  Yes.  Seriously.  Like my crack was flushed down the toilet & I cannot get anymore.  I really need a book.  Everyone around me keeps telling me to breathe & calm down.  If I breathe anymore, I’m going to end up passing out.  So I have decided this time around I am going to get “Gabriel’s Rapture” & hunt for another book.  I just don’t know what to read this time, since I’m still waiting for the 2nd & 3rd book of the Crossfire Series.

Abracadabra :)(:

I found myself walking the path my mother & I used to walk when I was younger.  Younger as in, around twelve, I’m not really that old now.  At least that’s what I am telling myself when I think about turning 25 next month.  Is it too early in life to start freaking out about age?

Her & I used to walk it because there are hills.  Unless you walk it backwards of course.  We never did.  I remember we walked it slow.  Talked.  I don’t think I could tell you any of the conversations.  But I remember we done nothing but talked.  I was listening to music as I walked it.  Mostly to drown out the jokes about “the fat girl walking”.  The only thing I wonder how are you supposed to become the not fat girl walking if people make fun of you for walking?

I used to walk a lot.  I love to walk.  I’m not going to say that I used to walk every day & it’s all I thought about.  That’s a lie.  I used to walk maybe once or twice a week.  If you’re lucky.  When my brother started driving you were lucky to ever see me walking.  Why walk when I have a ride?  But the jokes I heard was half the reason I stopped walking.  The other half?  It’s a mix between being extremely lazy & the pains I get from walking.  You know.  Because I am lazy.

Lazy is something I really must get over.  The pain I can eventually walk out.  If I am sitting still that’s when I hurt.  But if I keep moving then I don’t hurt.  (duh!)  It’s just that, though.  I don’t even want to be moving.  Honestly.  All I want to do is close all the doors, clothes the blinds, & get on the couch & sleep.  But I haven’t.  I’m still awake.  Mostly.  A part of me I really believe is asleep.

Don’t let me lie though.  I did doze off about fifteen minutes ago.  My cell phone woke me up & began moving around.

The walk yesterday was surprisingly good, though.  I was sore from the day before but I ended up walking out the pains.  Even though I cramped a couple times going up a hill.  Twice.

My next problem I have to get over?  Not eating dinner so late.

Last night I felt great after my walk.  But I was hungry & I wasn’t able to make dinner until around ten o’clock at night.  When, even I know, you are supposed to eat dinner before six & if you have a twang of hunger – snack.  Nothing large.  Small.  But sometimes I find myself sleeping until three.  Dinner at five?  Then what?  I’m hungry again by nine & I need to be in bed by ten.  It doesn’t work out very well.  I understand how it works.  Breakfast.  Snack.  Lunch.  Snack.  Dinner.  Snack.  But two problems.  One.  I rarely eat breakfast.  Let alone breakfast, snack, lunch, snack.  I find myself sometimes only eating once a day.  Does anybody really eat six times a day?

I honestly think this weight isn’t going to go anywhere.  I don’t have the time or the money to do this.  What does money have to do with anything?  I haven’t had groceries in my house in two months.  Why?  Because I cannot afford to buy groceries.  But if I think of it logically.  I don’t buy groceries because I need to eat at work on the weekends.  So I keep money for lunches.  If I buy groceries, I can take a lunch.  Especially since I am sick of the casino food.  (It’s the same thing every day.  Literally.)  I think my logic just faded.  (I’m not sure I had logic to begin with.  Shut up!)  

I will say this much.  My “work week” ends on Tuesday morning.  I arrive at home around 6:30 in the morning.  I am usually asleep by 7.  Then I normally sleep all day.  I’m talking waking up around 9 in the evening.  Get up & eat.  Then go back to sleep until around 7 in the morning on Wednesday.  I lost my Tuesday.  The week though, I set my alarm for 3 in the afternoon.  & I was awake until around 11 PM.  I felt wonderful all day.  & still do feel wonderful.  It’s something to keep in mind.

Maybe I will just become bulimic.

It Never Fails!

I bought my first car when I was eighteen years old.  I walked into a car lot & fell in love with a 2001 Dodge Stratus.  I paid $4600.  When I finally got my license, 21 years old, I finally began driving it. 

I am a horrible driver, by the way.

Ever since I began driving my car I have had to replace something every year.  Literally. 

I began planning my vacation a couple weeks ago.  Even took off work for it.  Remember the vacation blog?  Yeah.  My car is no longer running.  Yeah.  You read that right.  & I am not a hundred percent sure what is wrong with it.  We’ve narrowed it down, though.  It’s either the battery.  Alternator.  A sensor.  Or my car is finally broken.  Maybe that isn’t so narrow.  My mechanic, who happens to be my brother, is pretty sure it’s the alternator.  I am not really sure what I want it to be.  Either way, I’m out $100. 

Now let’s in the cost to change my oil because I haven’t changed it in a year.  & having my brother as my mechanic sucks here.  Why?  Because he decided if he works on my car I have to buy the parts he wants.  What does that mean?  It’s not cheap.  It takes me $100 when he changes my oil.  I guess that isn’t totally bad if it’s yearly.

I still plan on going on vacation next month.  I’m hoping I’ll still be able to save some money.  It takes $50 to fill up my car with gas.  So I need at least $100, because I only get 300 miles per full tank.  My house to Amarillo, Texas is about 330 miles.  I’ll have to refill before I get to my destination.  I really hope my car doesn’t ruin my vacation.  I don’t want to stay here during it.  I guess if I do have to stay it’ll be running well enough & I will just go watch “Breaking Dawn: Part 2” in theaters.