Wondering..

I live in a small southern Oklahoma town.  I grew up here.  Wasn’t born here.  But I love this town.  Always have.  Most people, unless you grew up down here, you’ve probably never even heard of this town.  The population, might be, 2,616 – if you’re lucky.  I was born in a town of 194,000.  I’m scared to leave.  I use family as the excuse to not leaving.  I cannot do what I want to do here.  There is no where I can do what I want.  But.. I’m scared to move away.  I’m afraid I will miss something here.  & the only family member I have left, that I’m really close to, I’m afraid something will happen.

I look at the whole picture.  I want to be a writer.  I’ll never become one here.  Ever.  I can write.  Write.  & write until I bleed through my fingertips.  Living here, I’ll never become one.  There are no opportunities here.

Before my dad passed away last year he told me more than once to leave Oklahoma.  That he really believes I deserve more than what I can accomplish here.  I have a dream that every morning I wake up & go to work.  I show up in nice clothes, hair nicely done.  On my way I swing by a small coffee shop & pick me up hot chocolate (I don’t like coffee) & a muffin.  I show up at my “office”, sit down at a desk, & I write.  I type out article by article & argue with myself on which one I”ll let them publish.  Because the third one sucks.

But I live my life on fears.  I’m scared to leave.  I’m scared to leave what I know for the unknown.  I’m scared to leave every here because I am comfortable here.  I feel if I were to leave that someone here would need me.  Or if I go then I’ll never get to see anybody anymore.  Even though I know I could come on weekends.  Or leave & be worse off then I am now & never achieve anything anyway.

I mean even if I decided to go.  Just leave.  It would be a while.  I want to finish college first.  Need an education to work at McDonald’s.  I have things to do before I go, but after I get a college degree, then what?  Stay here & work at the Casino the rest of my life because it’s a job?  Never go anywhere or do anything I really want to do because my life right now is comfortable.

But… I’m scared.

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