Vacation? I think so!

The biggest issue I may come up to is not having the money to go.  & if that happens, I’m going to be one very sad little person.  Mostly because I have many reasons to go.

Where am I going?

Amarillo, Texas.  Yeah boi!!! (giggles)

My brother & I decided that I need to pack up & leave for a few days. I talked to my supervisor & took off my birthday, & three days.  Yay me!  I plan on leaving November 12 & returning November 23.  I’m so excited. 

Only downfall?

When my sister-in-law realizes that is the week that Breaking Dawn – Part 2 comes out & she will have to wait a week to watch it.  She is going to be furious.  Good thing she doesn’t read my blog & by the time she realizes it, I’ll be out of state. 

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Wondering..

I live in a small southern Oklahoma town.  I grew up here.  Wasn’t born here.  But I love this town.  Always have.  Most people, unless you grew up down here, you’ve probably never even heard of this town.  The population, might be, 2,616 – if you’re lucky.  I was born in a town of 194,000.  I’m scared to leave.  I use family as the excuse to not leaving.  I cannot do what I want to do here.  There is no where I can do what I want.  But.. I’m scared to move away.  I’m afraid I will miss something here.  & the only family member I have left, that I’m really close to, I’m afraid something will happen.

I look at the whole picture.  I want to be a writer.  I’ll never become one here.  Ever.  I can write.  Write.  & write until I bleed through my fingertips.  Living here, I’ll never become one.  There are no opportunities here.

Before my dad passed away last year he told me more than once to leave Oklahoma.  That he really believes I deserve more than what I can accomplish here.  I have a dream that every morning I wake up & go to work.  I show up in nice clothes, hair nicely done.  On my way I swing by a small coffee shop & pick me up hot chocolate (I don’t like coffee) & a muffin.  I show up at my “office”, sit down at a desk, & I write.  I type out article by article & argue with myself on which one I”ll let them publish.  Because the third one sucks.

But I live my life on fears.  I’m scared to leave.  I’m scared to leave what I know for the unknown.  I’m scared to leave every here because I am comfortable here.  I feel if I were to leave that someone here would need me.  Or if I go then I’ll never get to see anybody anymore.  Even though I know I could come on weekends.  Or leave & be worse off then I am now & never achieve anything anyway.

I mean even if I decided to go.  Just leave.  It would be a while.  I want to finish college first.  Need an education to work at McDonald’s.  I have things to do before I go, but after I get a college degree, then what?  Stay here & work at the Casino the rest of my life because it’s a job?  Never go anywhere or do anything I really want to do because my life right now is comfortable.

But… I’m scared.

Most Awesome Thing Ever…

I went to my first rock concert last night.  Yup.  Seriously.  I’ll be 25 in two months & I went to my first rock concert.  “Rock”.  I’ve been to country.  *gags*

Before the concert started two girls were arrested for hitting police.  Yep.  Seriously.  For some reason, I didn’t expect that from that particular concert.

What concert?  Blink 182.  Woo!

Those little twelve, and thirteen year old kids crack me up.  They swear up & down that they grew up with them when in reality, the only reason they know who they are is because of people my age.  Nothing else.  They had a close up of Mark & my heart broke, didn’t realize how old he has gotten.

It was by far one of the best nights in a while.  I enjoyed it.  Woo!

******

I was so worn out last night by 11 at night I was out.  Got home & got something to eat & passed out.  I was so sore.  & I’m not sure why.  I was so out that I ended up having a dream of my story.  Wrote a full chapter in my head.  Yep.  Seriously.  Even woke up a few times writing it in my head.  But I wanted to finish the chapter.  I wanted to see how it ended.

Guess what?!

Yeah.  That’s right.  I forgot it.

I remember the basis of what the chapter was about.  & I pretty much can still see it playing in my head.  But the words I was using I cannot remember.  Or how I even worded it.  I might sit down & make notes.  Maybe figure it out.

Wish me luck.

Guam.. here I come.

Not really.

I cannot afford a trip to Guam.  I can barely afford groceries.  Okay.  I can’t afford groceries.  That’s because I’m poor.  Yeah.  I said it.  Online.  Stuck forever.  But I am.

I decided to give back the refrigerator I was paying for.  100$ more a month.  Then I can buy groceries.  Where will I put them?  In the refrigerator that I am buying from a friend.  It’s old.  Yellow.  But… it works.  So I’m happy.

I’m thinking about getting rid of my television that sits in my bedroom.  That would be another 50$.  But then again I don’t want to.  Confusion.

I was sitting here thinking about writing & began reading through blogs.  Found a couple I like.  Follow?  Check!  I barely get sign onto this anymore because I just don’t have anything to read.  No inspiration.  I have no inspiration for much.  Mostly writing.  W-R-I-T-I-N-G.

I read a post about ‘dream jobs’ & that many people ‘settle’ with jobs just because they can get the job.  I have done that.  Sort of.  I like my job.  At a casino.  Sitting in front of a computer.  But my passion will always lie with writing.  It’s been my passion since I was in fifth grade when I wrote my very first poem & got an A because my teacher LOVED it.  Now that I think back on the poem it was silly.  What did it say?

Friends.
I have so many friends,
There all so mean,
I don’t know which one I like best.
They’re all so nice,
They’re all so mean,
They’re all so hyper,
Just like me.

Just to make a point, I actually forgot the second line of that just now.  I had to think hard.  (Most of my life I have forgotten.)

When I first entered college I was going to get a degree in English.  Keep going & get a degree in journalism.  I talked to someone about that idea & for some reason I let them talk me out of it.  A semester later I changed my degree plans to business management.  I don’t want to be someone’s boss.  I could care less – honestly, if I was to ever be able to stick my finger in someone’s face & tell them “you’re stupid & doing it all wrong”.  (Yes, I realized that AFTER I went out for supervisor at my job.)  I want to write.  I want to write.  I want to write.  I want to write.

I was told once that I only want to write to make loads of money.  Just so every one knows, most writers are NEVER published.  That will be me.  I will never be published.  I don’t have the inspiration to finish something I begin to write.  One of these day’s I suppose.

But a couple things I’ve noticed in the last few years:

EVERYONE wants to be a novelist & be published & make bookoo’s of money.  (Unless you’re lucky enough to write something like Twilight or Harry Potter – that is crap.)

Most people begin writing in their 20’s, finally get a break & get published in their 40’s.  (I’ve been writing since I was 12.  Maybe my break will be sooner than my 40’s.)

Writing is hard.  (A bunch of blah’s together with a period doesn’t work.)

Writing is really hard.