I’ve been feeling weird the last few months. && the one thing that has plagued my mind the most is whether or not I’m just an average cliché or not. I know it’s silly to think of yourself like but it’s there. Floating around in my brain.
Since I was about eighteen I have been trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. What is it that I WANT to be – to do. I can always remember being younger and wanting to be in the medical field, help people – but once I lost my mother my mood shifted and I didn’t want to deal with the pain of telling their loved ones that I lost their person. So I’ve been trying to figure it out ever since.
But now I feel as if I may just be another cliché.
I can always remember having the love for writing – which isn’t a big secret if you know me. I remember writing my very first poem in school then spending years writing poems (I no longer have any of them, which is probably a good thing) before I slowly moved into writing short stories and then began my first novel.
But why is that making me feel like I do?
I’ve noticed lately that EVERYONE is a writer. If they don’t have a career path, any idea what they want out of life, or are stay-at-home mom’s – they are automatically a writer. They keep blogs, posting daily, write stories that they share with people, and self-publish novels that they write in about a week.
If they are not “writers” they are ‘chefs’ or ‘photographers’. *SIDE NOTE: I’m not bashing writers, chefs or photographers &&& you’ll see why as you read on.*
My second love is cooking and secretly, deep down inside, I would love to open a restaurant. Third love – photography. I even bought an EOS Rebel 35 MM camera when I was eighteen thinking that I will become a photographer. I even looked into photography schools to learn how to be better and develop film myself.
But just like when it comes to ‘writers’, a lot of people say they are photographer or chefs because they don’t know what to do with their lives. When I was looking into the photography idea I noticed just how many people do that themselves and I thought ‘if everyone is a photographer then what am I doing? I cannot compete with the whole state of Oklahoma.” (I’ll always have a soft spot for photography and any chance I get I take pictures for people.) But unfortunately, most of the people in my life call the other “photographers” around to do their photos. Or… they use their phone and take their own. That’s fine, whatever.
But am I just like the rest of people trying to do something with my life that EVERYONE seems to be doing? I will always have a love for writing, but am I being ridiculous in thinking that I will be published?
I just turned 30. I am 30 years old. I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything in my life. Sitting here thinking about my writing and I realize that I have never finished a full story. Even Frost, the novel I’ve been working on since November of 2012 – I’m still not finished with it. I actually decided to “rewrite” it. Now I’m sitting here with a half finished novel and I honestly think it’s complete crap. I wonder sometimes if that’s why I haven’t finished it. I even try to tell myself that Stephen King threw away Carrie – he hated that story. Threw it in the trash.
When it comes to cooking I’m perfectly find just cooking with the family or for them and friends. I can live my life doing that. It’s fine. One day I might open a restaurant, but I won’t be bummed if I never open one.
Photography is a very slow dying out occupation because of cell phone cameras and small pocket sized digital cameras. Why pay someone to do something your sister can do?
Writing. I have had a love for that since I was ten or eleven. (No, I didn’t start writing when I was four – that’s dumb.) In 2012 I told myself I’d be finished and published by 30 – but here I am. With neither crossed off my list.
I guess what I’m trying to figure out is what do I want to be doing for the rest of my life? I know for a fact that it’s not my job right now. I do NOT want to make it a career because I barely like it. (No offense to the job itself.) Honestly, I know the answer, but does it make me a cliché knowing that I don’t like my job, don’t really have any future plans but I want to be a published author?